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Lust
03-01-2010, 10:42 PM
Chapter 1
There I was,feeling special in front of my friends and family.It was my 13th birthday and I was the luckiest person in the world.Unfortunetly,someone just had to ruin it.Well,I was cutting the cake while my mom was taking pictures of me and everyone else when all of a sudden,someone knocked at the door.My dad thought it was another friend called Jimmy comming so he walked to the door and opened it.In a flash,he was dead.How?He was stabbed in the heart,leaving no marks.Although we didn't catch him in the scene,we all remember the name,Jimmy T.

Yea its kinda a crappy story,I didn't work very long on it.

war of time
03-01-2010, 11:33 PM
o.O Weird. A little unoriginal.

Fallen
03-03-2010, 03:42 AM
Hmm. D:

Try maybe describing the scene more? Like making it more gradual so he's not just cutting the cake one second and staring down at the corpse of his father the next. o-o And also, you might want to add spaces after full stops and commas. Fail advice but oh well. xD;

Not a bad start though. =3